Last week on Friday, the Curmudgeon came into the General Store, and greeted Mr and Mrs Storekeep, their daughter Tiffinie, not to mention Newsman, Milkman, and arranging greeting cards, the new agent from Atlanta Greetings.
“Curmudge,” they said, “where’ve you been?”
“I flew off to Zanesville, Ohio, to visit my niece and nephew, who own and operate and old-time soda parlor just a few blocks from the Y-Bridge.”
“The Y-Bridge?”
“Yep, Amelia Earhart once remarked that the easiest small town in American to recognize in a fly-over was Zanesville, because they have a Y-shaped bridge that allows the driver to head for the other bank of the river, and in mid-stream face a stop-light that enables you to go left or right—but speaking of flying is why I am so disgruntled today.”
“What happened?”
“Well, in order to get to Zanesville you have to walk from West Virginia or fly to Charlotte from Asheville, then take another flight to Columbus, Ohio, then be picked up at the airport by a willing family member.
“First in the Asheville Airport, you must check in with the automatic agent, find out that you are allowed one purse or briefcase plus one item of luggage suitably fitting in the overheads with each extra bag costing $25—then it’s off through security—and remember you must remove your boots or shoes, your belt buckle and the rest of your metallic person with no place to sit down and make the effort. I was wearing boots with steel shanks but Asheville isn’t like any city in Texas, where you can go through security without removing boots. But allow me to add that in a few weeks you will be able to bring on small knives.
“Next in the waiting area a lady with a great deal of hair, announces that the fight to Charlotte is now loading beginning with—oh, and she also announces that today you can leave your bag outside the door before boarding if you attach a label—”
“Whereupon a passenger asked: ‘How come?’ and she explained ‘Because this is a full flight and there will not be enough storage space in the overheads.’
“So with a lot of too-ing and fro-ing, bags are tagged and the lady then says they will now load women with small children, and any of our award-wining flyers, and members of the armed forces in uniform. This is followed by a lot of activity.
“Next she announces that they are now loading Zone One and Zone Two passengers plus all ticked passengers who have divorced in the past five years and everybody who likes muffins.”
“Muffin-lovers and recently divorced?” asked Mrs. Storekeep.
“Well, I jest,” said the Curmudgeon, “but I think you get the general idea—
“Next the announcing lady welcomed aboard, Visa and Master-Charger holders plus Zone Three and Four. I swear it took over twenty-five minutes before we were ready to taxi out to the field.
“Then when I got to Gate E-34 in Charlotte it was over a mile walk, carrying my luggage, to get to Gate C-38 for the flight to Columbus. Then at Gate C-38 we go through the same boarding routine as in Asheville and upon arriving in Columbus it was to find the landscape looking like mid-January and it was snowing—”
“So?” they all asked.
“Zanesville was great but coming back to Asheville, because they have cut back in flights, it’s the routine starting with security and ending with the same boarding procedure and this time, allow me to tell you all again about passengers who cough with their mouths open and project diseased phlegm droplets throughout the cabins. Gang, it’s Disease City and as I speak I can feel the fever coming on so it’s home to some honey, scotch, and chamomile tea.”
After Curmudgeon left the store, silence reined but finally Mr. Storekeep said: “I suspect he’s correct; until something is done, if you can drive, do so—”
~ Peter Loewer has written and illustrated more than twenty-five books on natural history over the past thirty years.