The Curmudgeon
Everybody at The General Store was quite familiar with the Old Curmudgeon’s more fiery moods because for all the years he had used Mr. and Mrs. Storekeep as friends and social equals, the store had ranked very high on his list of places to seek when times were bad — and from all viewpoints times were now exceedingly bad (going to worse) in the Old Home State.
So it was no surprise to the folks gathered there for morning coffee as Mrs. Storekeep began the job of firing up the old wood stove at the rear end of the store proper (because that particular morning was showing signs of what was coming in the line of inclement weather and because both the Storekeeps always made sure about expenses in lean and hungry years and also in those banner years where customers were up and the cost of goods was down).
Before Curmudgeon threw the front door open, the Storekeeps, Cityfella, and the Little Debbie Delivery Man, were warming up as the stove got hotter and enjoying a fresh cup of coffee and nibbling on a few cakes that the Delivery Man decided that according to the package dating had seen better days but were not in too bad shape not to be enjoyed as long as it was only one cake apiece.
After the door few open–allowing a misty and chilly rain powered by a 30 mile and hour wind to help Curmudgeon in his theatrical entrance, papers scattered and the temperature quickly dropped about five chilly degrees.
“Well, I never,” said Curmudgeon in one of his louder attempts at commanding attention, “I said, I never remember any insult in my life, close to the communication that I received in the mail this morning!”
“What?” they all in breathless abandon cried out.
“This,” he said as he waived that looked like a government communication in the form of a three section white card, printed on both sides.
“It’s supposed to look like a card from the Social Security Office but that’s only a ruse, because upon opening the inside reads as follows–and he began to read in his still piercing voice:
“Supplement your Government Death Benefit of $255! We are proud to announce a Senior Final Expense Life Insurance Plan to help pay what Social Security does not pay for your final expenses. At present, Social Security only pays $255 and then only if you qualify. This Senior Plan can pay 100% of all funeral expenses not paid by Social Security, up to $20,000 (Tax Free) for each Senior Citizen covered. To see if you qualify, mail this postage paid card. You will not be charged for this information!
“Imagine that, they won’t charge you for this information but then in smaller type it says: Not connected with or endorsed by the US Government or any State Agency. Limit one plan per household. “
“Well, that’s a blessing,” said Cityfella, “’cause I’m kind of surprised that the state isn’t behind this in an effort to squeeze more money from out citizenry.”
“My heavens,” said Mrs. Storekeep, “20,000 dollars for a funeral would probably underwrite one as grand as the one in that Lana Turner movie “Imitation of Life,” you remember when her maid Annie dies and is given a lavish funeral complete with a gospel choir, a brass band, and a horse-drawn hearse.”
“Boy,” said Mr. Storekeep, “that sounds right up your alley, Curmudge.”
“Stop!” yelled Curmudge in response, “There’s more because the coupon includes a free Wal-Mart Gift Certificate, price undisclosed. Aren’t you people shocked by such bad taste?”
“Shocked by that,” said Cityfella, “just where have you been for the past few years, growing potatoes on Mars?”
“Somebody get him one of those cakes and a cup of hot coffee and let him sit down here by the stove and we’ll begin by telling him about the first concern of our new senator about washing your hands after leaving the lavatory, possibly being too much in a government regulation–”
“Or shopping at Bed, Bath, and Beyond,” chuckled the Little Debbie Salesman.
“Or,” continued Mrs. Storekeep, “something like charging sales taxes on auto repairs or stealing the Asheville Reservoir or–“
“We could entertain him for an hour or so with the past two years in the Old Home State,” said Mr. Storekeep.”
And they did exactly that.
Peter Loewer has written and illustrated more than twenty-five books on natural history over the past thirty years.